And do not despair in yourself. Complete despair: how to survive the storm of life. When we fall into despair

Despair... A feeling that is familiar to everyone. A feeling that no one is happy about. Can you fight it? How to avoid despair?

When do we get desperate?

I do not envy people in creative professions. Having received the education of an actor, I realized how hard it is for the psyche to work in such an area. Today, many glorify creative professions, not realizing that they include not only creative joys, but also intolerable creative crises... And every such crisis can be accompanied by a fit of despair. Why does it arise? Because in creativity there is no ready-made scheme. We don’t know what to do if the role “doesn’t go”. Doesn't go - that's all! Do anything! You go on stage and feel how you miss, you miss ... Nothing arises, everything is flat, tense, mediocre, unbearable ... Although yesterday everything was going well! And we know that we cannot tell the audience, the director, the partners - “Sorry, I’ll probably take a little vacation and will not appear on the set in the next couple of weeks”. More precisely, so to speak, of course, you can ... But then you will have to look for another theater. Moreover, almost all performances are rehearsed in two or three ensembles ... Therefore, if you you can't deal with this uninvited crisis right now, it is likely that tomorrow you will find yourself in the crowd again. How not to despair in such a situation?

Another example. Young mom. Tired. Exhausted. Didn't sleep half the night. The house is a mess. No food. Itself - scary, like a zombie, and dissatisfied with itself. And the child is still yelling and yelling ... Who has not faced such a situation? How do you deal with the onset of despair?

And the third situation. It seems like nothing happened. Everything is as usual, everything is fine. But there is some kind of anxiety inside. You try to somehow cope with it, you start to meditate, work with awareness ... But it doesn't go, that's all ... There is no awareness. No, whatever you do. Mindfulness slips between your fingers, leaving you with this aching worry... At some point, despair also appears.

What do all these situations have in common?

1) Lack of vital energy... Fatigue. There is no strength to move forward. As long as we have the strength, we are ready to fight, to decide something. As long as we have energy, we do not give up or fall into despair.

3)Inability to get out of the situation and rest... We need to fix the problem right now. We cannot relax, put our thoughts in order, and look at the problem from the other side. Time is running out. More precisely, it seems to us that time is running out... In most cases, we can find at least 10 minutes to stop ... But pressure illusion does not allow us to do this.

4) Not understanding that the main problem is inside and not outside... We concentrate so much on external difficulties that we forget the main thing ... Despair is the result of internal disharmony, internal tension. And before we can deal with the outside world, it is necessary to resolve the problem that is inside... It is necessary to neutralize this despair that binds us hand and foot.

How to deal with feelings of despair?

1) Stop... First, we just stop. We stop this hysterical internal dialogue ("I have no time for anything! Everything is crumbling for me! I can not do anything! Etc."). Remain in silence for about a minute. Look around ... Feel your arms ... Shoulders ... Head ... Feel your whole body ... This will be enough to just stop.

2) As always, start with accepting the situation and yourself... We repeat the mantra "I love myself, approve of myself and accept myself!" This will help you to distract yourself, calm down, and look at the problem from a different angle.

3) After you've calmed down a bit, start study your emotions... Become aware of your feelings, consider them from all sides, observe your inner state ... Observe the whole situation as if from the outside. Try to see something funny, ridiculous in the situation ... Looking at your problem more consciously, you will understand that your despair is not worth it.

4) The hardest part. Let go of the situation... Tell yourself - come what may! Keep doing what you have to do, but don't worry about the result. Your worries will not diminish the problem. Rather, the opposite is true. Appreciate yourself. Take care of your health. There is nothing more important than your mental health, your well-being, your peace of mind. So let go of the situation and relax.

How do you cope with bouts of despair? How often do you get desperate?

Love yourself! Take care of your health!

In a difficult situation, only weaklings, but not men, become discouraged, despair, go into a binge and break down. It is difficult to "knock a real man out of the saddle". How to maintain fortitude and not hang your nose?

Any person has fallen into a difficult situation of grief, failure or loss in his life. Everyone knows the feeling of confusion, despair and hopelessness, the feeling of their own inferiority. Someone knows how to quickly cope with such a state and rebuild, someone succeeds over time, and some are "knocked out of the saddle" for a very long time, if not forever, consider themselves losers, broken by fate or circumstances, stop acting, live a full life , go into illness or binge, and maybe into depression. What to do?

Despondency is one of the deadly sins. This means that one should not succumb to panic, indulge in decadent moods, despair, lose hope and fall into a blues. It is very easy to proclaim, but very difficult to do. Let's try to figure out how not to indulge in despair and how to overcome depression. Maybe, after all, there are some ways to fight and overcome this difficult mental state.

1. Believe in yourself and your strength. It means knowing that you will endure and will be able to overcome a lot. Know that a lot depends on you, and you are not just a "cog". If it doesn’t work the first time, it will work out with the next try.

2. Soberly, honestly (in front of oneself) and realistically assess their capabilities and abilities. This means being aware of the level of your knowledge and skills, understanding that someone can be better than you. A balanced assessment will avoid disappointment and troubles, unnecessary and wasted energy. But does someone prevent us from becoming better, stronger, wiser, more professional? Nobody but ourselves.

3. Calm analysis of the situation. It is necessary to calmly, without emotion, evaluate the bad experience and understand what was done wrong, or - there was not enough effort, or maybe, on the contrary, too much. An analysis of the situation will give peace of mind, only in a balanced state can a constructive solution be found. And a calm, even state is no longer a blues.

4. Learn a lesson. This means understanding that failure is a harbinger of victory, and everyone has failure, but not everyone treats failure as failure. It's just EXPERIENCE. A tolerant attitude towards failure releases success. It is necessary to develop the habit of taking advantage of failure, this is one of the most important techniques for achieving success.

5. Get support - moral and professional. This means asking for help from close people - family, friends. And / or contact specialists - doctors, teachers, psychologists, spiritual teachers. Everyone needs support and help from loved ones in difficult situations. But, if you very often asked for help and exhausted the credit of trust of relatives and friends, then a difficult situation is just the case when you can take control of your destiny into your own hands.

6. Look for the positive in what happened. It is a known fact - as a result of the crisis, one very wealthy businessman lost $ 100 million. He has ONLY 100 thousand dollars left. He committed suicide. The loss of money was for him the loss of everything, even worse than the loss of life.

And now let's imagine an average citizen who didn't have a ruble and suddenly 100 thousand dollars! A lot of money! It turns out that this is how you look at it. They remained alive and well, everything is fine in the family - the rest can be experienced and overcome.

7. Do not break laws - state and moral. This will make it possible to live in harmony with oneself and with others, and will not lead to difficult and dangerous (and maybe irreparable) situations.

8. Distraction. Remember how Scarlett O'Hara said? “I’ll think about it tomorrow ...” An intractable, and maybe completely insoluble situation is not the whole life, it is only a part, albeit very painful. There should be a lot in life that “keeps afloat”. These are love, friendship, religion, nature, art (literature, painting, music, etc.), sports, hobbies. Find an activity that will distract you from your heavy thoughts, or simply do something else. It can be a general cleaning, renovation, something that will take all the time and effort. It is not for nothing that the people say that the morning is wiser than the evening.

Just do not "go" into alcohol and other similar pleasures. This will only drive the problem deeply, where it will be difficult to get it from, and even add a moral and physical hangover.

9. Avoid negative emotions, especially guilt and shame. These emotions are not helpers in solving difficult life problems. Negative emotions impede the full functioning of the brain, with them it is not possible to make the right decision at the moment. And the saddest thing is that negative emotions are the basis for the emergence of various addictions, alcohol, nicotine, drug, etc.

10. Take responsibility into your own hands. To take responsibility for yourself is to understand that only you are responsible for your life, its quality, personal achievements, and not to shift the blame onto colleagues, parents, teachers, bosses, etc. If you did something wrong, then try to correct the situation in word and deed - apologize, talk and explain your position, help to fix what you ruined.

11. Smile! If you feel very bad at heart, try to smile, and even through force stretch your lips into a smile. The body remembers that this position of the lips corresponds to a good mood, and surprisingly, the mood will begin to level out and even (!) Improve. The tension, emotional and physical, will begin to subside, the situation will no longer seem so insoluble or tragic.

Failures that haunt us can develop fear of failure and avoidance strategies. This means that a person will not strive to achieve success, but will abandon active actions and try with all his might to avoid failure. The worst news is that no one can help overcome this fear. But the best news is that everything is in our hands. We have a choice: either we grow huge weeds of fear, or we can sow the seeds of faith in ourselves and our strength. Good luck!

These twelve points were written by Anne Lamotte, an American writer, political activist, and public figure. Her books, full of self-ironic humor, are largely autobiographical and address topics such as alcoholism, the life of a single mother, depression, and Christianity.

Anne Lamotte

I live with my seven-year-old grandson, he sleeps not far from me. Sometimes, just waking up, he exclaims: “You know what? This could be the best day of my life! " But it also happens that in the middle of the night he asks in a trembling voice: "Granny, is it true that you will ever get sick and die?"

In my opinion, this perfectly demonstrates that his inner world is a composite hodgepodge of joyful anticipation and chilling fears. As we have with you. So a few days before my 61st birthday, I decided to make the most complete list of things that do not cause me either one or the other. There is very little certainty in the flow of information right now, so it's nice to have at least a few immutable truths in stock.

One of them - I am not 47 for a long time, although it is at this age that I feel myself and that is the number of years I am used to mentally ascribing to myself. My friend Paul, in his late twenties, often said that he felt like a young man with whom there was simply something wrong. Our true personality is not subject to time and space, but looking at the documents, I can always make sure that I was born in 1954. Although my inner "I" does not age and not a single age from which I supposedly left has left me. They are all with me.

Right now, I'm 20, 30, and 50 - as many as I have ever been. As well as you. Note, however, that I should have been less conscientious about following the rules of skin care that were generally accepted in the 1960s. As you remember, then people were sunbathing furiously, doused from head to toe with baby oil and placing more foil reflectors around them.

Nevertheless, when I honestly admitted to myself that the agony of middle age was behind me, a gigantic stone fell from my soul. I decided to immediately write down everything that I believe to be truly true. I often meet depressed and sad people, they never stop asking me questions: what is true and what is false? I dare to hope that my list will be useful for those who are close to despair, and will help them sketch out at least some kind of plan of action.

paint by Marten Jansen

1. Any truth is paradoxical

The first and most reliable truth: any truth is paradoxical. Life is a precious, immeasurably beautiful gift and, at the same time, an intolerable punishment. The worst combination for those with a sensitive soul. There are so many hardships and oddities in this world that sometimes you think: is it all a joke? Heartbreaking beauty and kindness, terrible poverty, floods and babies, acne and Mozart's music are intertwined here. The system is not the most ideal.

2. The reboot rule

Almost anything will work properly again if you turn it off for a few minutes. And this applies to you too.

3. Look inside

Almost everything that can make you happy for a long time can only be found within yourself. Exception: you are on the waiting list for an organ donor. You can't buy or earn peace, you can't ask out healthy self-esteem. This is the most disgusting truth; personally, it outrages me. But everything important is really achieved by inner work, and we cannot do it for others, no matter how much we love them.

Someone else's peace of mind is beyond our control. Everyone must find their own path, their own answers to important questions. When your adult child begins his hero journey, you cannot run next to sunscreen and chapstick in your hands. You must let him go, if only out of respect. And if we are talking about someone else, then, most likely, you have no idea how to help. Our help is usually useless and often even harmful. Behind the desire to help is a desire to control. So stop already, stop helping. Let someone hide from your virtue.

4. Radical self-acceptance

Each of us is a screwed up, bruised, bored and frightened character. Even someone who looks good. You won't believe it if you find out how similar the problems of others are to yours. So try not to compare your inner feelings with what others are showing you. This will definitely not do the good.

And one more thing: you cannot save anyone, fix or force someone to "tie up". What made me quit drinking and drugs 30 years ago? My behavior worsened catastrophically, my thoughts got confused and ran away. Then I turned for help and began to rely on higher powers. There is a version that the word "God" stands for "Grace of Desperate Grief" (editor's note: in the original G-O-D, Gift of Desperation - literally "despair given from above"). But you can put it less pompously: in the end, I degraded faster than I managed to lower the requirements for myself. So you can say I came to God when there were no more good ideas left.

Trying to fix, protect, or save someone is a waste of time. But radical self-acceptance is a quantum that you will radiate into the atmosphere like a breath of fresh air. Believe me, this is the most valuable gift for the universe. And if someone reproaches you for arrogance or selfishness, just smile mysteriously, like Mona Lisa, and make you both a cup of fragrant tea. To respond with love to the most stupid, short-sighted, capricious and unpleasant manifestations of human nature means to be one family with them. This is the first step towards world peace.

5. Chocolate must be delicious

Chocolate with 75% cocoa is unsuitable for food. The best way to use it is to place the piece in a snake trap. Or put a loose stool under the leg.

6. Bird by bird

Absolutely all the writers you know have first drafts that come out just disgusting. The secret is that their asses are nevertheless glued firmly to the desk chair. This is perhaps the only difference between them and you. They set aside time for this. They make a promise to themselves and keep their word. It's a matter of honor for them. They sit down and let the stories pass through them - step by step, day after day.

When my older brother was in fourth grade, he had a bird species test for which he did not even begin to prepare. Then his father sat down next to him, taking Audubon's book (John James Audubon is an American naturalist, ornithologist and animal painter, author of Birds of America), paper and a pencil, and then said: “Take your time, buddy, let's go bird for the bird. Just read about the pelican and then retell it in your own words. Then read about the titmouse and tell us what you learned about it. And then about the geese. "

These are the two most important principles of writing: bird by bird and truly creepy drafts. And if you don't know where to start, remember: every story that ever happened to you belongs only to you, and only you can tell it.
By the way, if people want you to be gentle with them in your book, tell them they should have behaved better. Believe me, it will be terrible if one day you wake up and realize that you have not written down anything that has been kept in the box of your heart all your life - your stories, memories, ideas and songs, your truth, your outlook on life. At the end of the day, that's all you can offer to others. And that is the reason why you were born.

7. Destructive success

Book publishing and other creative luck will hurt you. After them, you need to recover. Success has destroyed as many authors as its absence. You cannot even imagine what kind of suffering he will cause you, how he will try to destroy and change you. Personally, I have not met people more vicious and worse than male authors, on whose account the release of a notable bestseller. And at the same time (back to the first point) publishing is just great: here your thoughts are printed on typographic paper, your stories are read and told to friends.

Just try, please, to get rid of the illusion that publishing a book will in some sense heal you, patch up the gaps in your soul. Holding in your hands a freshly printed work, you will not be healed of your troubles. But you may one day come to this if you keep writing. Sing in a choir or play country music. You will work as a volunteer painter in your spare time. Watch the birds. Nursing old dogs that have no one else to take care of.

8. Hard work

A family is hard, hard, hard work, even if you have wonderful people as relatives. Again, see point one. If at a family gathering you feel that you are ready to kill yourself or your neighbor, try to remember that the conception and birth of any of us is a true miracle.

Life is a school of forgiveness. You can start learning by forgiving yourself first, and then gradually it will come to the dinner table with your family. There, this important inner work can be done without getting out of your home pants. When William Blake wrote that we were all “sent here to get the eye used to the rays of love,” he could not help but know that the innermost part of this experience will be directly related to your family. Even if from one kind of your relatives you want to rush out of the room, calling for help, don't give up, you will succeed. Work like Cinderella and the result will amaze you.

9. Proper nutrition

Food. Try a little better. I think you understand what I mean.

10. Lifebuoy

Compassion is a metaphysical analogue of the soaking oil that can fill all cracks, our spiritual lifeline. Its main paradox is that God loves Henry Kissinger, Vladimir Putin and me as much as he loves your newborn grandson. Understand how you want. An act of mercy can change us from within, heal us, atone for the hardships of life. How to describe the principle of its action in a nutshell? Call for help and buckle up tight. Compassion will overtake you on the spot, but with its help you will travel from one point of your life to another. Unfortunately, it will not come in the form of a friendly ghost named Casper, but the phone will ring or a letter will come ... and suddenly, in spite of everything, a life-giving feeling of self-irony will return to you.

Laughter is a carbonic form of holiness: breath after breath it brings us back to life, helping us to believe in the best again. And remember - the last word is always with compassion. If it doesn’t come, then it’s not over yet.

11. God is like a space muffin

God is good. He's not that scary. It is simply a loving mind that can breathe life into us. Or, as the author of the wonderful "Deteriorata" put it, "space muffin" at all. In my opinion, the most appropriate definition of God for everyday life is “not me”.

Emerson wrote that the happiest person in the world is the one who learns from nature the art of public service. Walk more often, look around. Once I heard from my pastor that you can catch a bee in a glass jar without even closing it with a lid. The bees simply do not look up, but continue to crawl back and forth and beat sadly against the glass. So go outside. Look up. So much for the secret.

12. The way home

And finally, death. Number twelve. Both delight and horror. When people die without whom you cannot live, it is unbearable. You will never recover from these losses, and despite our cultural attitudes, you shouldn't. We Christians see death as a global change of address. But no matter what confession you belong to, your loved ones will live in your hearts, unless you yourself resist it. As Leonard Cohen said: “There are cracks in everything. This is how light penetrates inside. " This is how light penetrates into us. And so we can feel that our loved ones are regaining life.
Other people have tremendous power over us. Sometimes they make us laugh at the most inopportune moment. And that's great. But losing them can still become a lifelong nightmare, in which you endlessly yearn for home and cannot get there. Living with grief, friends, time and tears will heal your wound to one degree or another. Tears will be the moisture that will wash you, bless you and nourish the soil under your feet.

Do you know what the first words of the Lord to Moses were? He said, "Take off your shoes from your feet." Because it is a holy land, although everything testifies to the opposite. It's hard to believe, but this is the truest truth of all I know: our planet is the Promised Land. When you get a little older (like your humble servant), you will realize that death is as sacred a gift as birth. However, you shouldn't worry too much about her. Go about your business. Almost every death is a quiet, calm event in the circle of relatives. You don't have to do it alone. Close people will help you gently move to where everyone will one day be. As Ram Dass wrote: "When everything necessary is done and said, we simply walk each other home."

You can also watch the video with this lecture in English:

In the life of any person, there are emotions such as sadness, longing or sadness. Only hardened cynics, who cold-bloodedly react to any manifestations directed against morality, do not experience them. Despair is unknown to such subjects, but there are many more sensitive people in society.

The reasons for despair can lie in the following life situations and features of the human character:

• Unrequited love... She is known to be submissive to all ages. Even rebellious bachelors cannot deny the fact that at least once in their lives they have been seriously attracted by another person. The happiest people are narcissists, because their adoration of themselves will always be rewarded. In the movie "Big Change" the song "We choose, we are chosen, as it often does not coincide" sounded, which immediately became loved by the people. Even the most powerful person can be broken by unrequited love. Additional suffering to the desperate can be brought about by the happy eyes of the object of passion, which are directed in a completely different direction.
• Betrayal of a loved one... If you do not take into account the convinced swingers, then cheating can be a tangible blow to one of the partners. However, not only physical betrayal with another person is capable of driving the victim of betrayal into despair. Sometimes a careless or deliberate word can actually bring more trouble than an actual act. A secret told to strangers or a lack of support in a difficult moment from a loved one can lead a person into a state of deep disappointment, which is close in nature to despair.
• Collapse of hopes... Sometimes we plan the impossible because we see ourselves as generators of brilliant ideas and natural leaders. Loving yourself is not forbidden, but a sense of proportion should always be present when analyzing your further actions. The result in this case is always sad: broken hopes and immersion in a world of painful despair.
• Loss of a significant person... The death of loved ones is always an ordeal for the psyche. Not everyone is able to withstand this, because the mechanism of despair automatically turns on. Separation from a dear person without the prospect of a further meeting can enter the same state.
• Inveterate selfishness... This concept should not be confused with hedonism, when a person puts life's pleasures above all else. By caring first of all about themselves, people of this type can then readily help others. Such lively ones radiate so much energy that they are always surrounded by a large number of friends. Egoists, who from morning till night regret, groom and cherish themselves exclusively, very often become gloomy and bilious loners. Human nature is designed in such a way that we want not only to give, but also to receive in return. One who only loves to share everything unselfishly, either a blissful person, or an altruist at the very peak of the development of self-denial. As a result, the egoist is completely at a loss because he remains in complete loneliness. The result is a sinking into despair, which can develop into persistent depression.
• Lethargy of the soul... In people with a clear life position, periods of despair are not prolonged, because the instinct of self-preservation is triggered. An amorphous person willingly gives himself up to be torn apart by fate and circumstances. His main self-justification is the belief that rock will overtake anyway, always and everywhere. It is easier for such a fatalist to plunge into a whirlpool of despair than to fight for his life.
• Serious and incurable disease... This attack can overtake both the person himself and his loved ones. In this case, people are seized by despair, the nature of which is understandable to anyone. There is not much to say here, because such a life situation is beyond the capacity of even the strongest spirit.

Important! Psychologists insist to consult a specialist in all of these cases. A person in despair is a direct prerequisite for suicide or mental disorder.

Types of despair in humans

As strange as it sounds, despondency and despair come in different forms. The most striking manifestations of this mental shock include the following types:

1. Despair-challenge... Stefan Zweig said about such people that "great despair always gives rise to great strength." Such individuals do not need the help of psychologists, since the described state of mind in them is a temporary phenomenon.
2. Despair-weakness... Hypochondriacs with a lazy soul love to be in a state of chronic depression. They need to suffer like air and find in themselves a hundred non-existent diseases. In this case, weak character leads their life to a continuous immersion in despair. The help of a psychotherapist with this problem is needed only if the person secretly does not get pleasure from self-torture.
3. Despair as an established system... The famous writer Albert Camus once argued that "the habit of despair is much worse than despair itself." There are people-programs who enter a certain state and do not accept any attempts to change the current situation.
4. Complete despair... This type of mental breakdown is the most dangerous. It is accompanied by severe depression and unwillingness to live. A large number of suicides are associated precisely with the cause of complete despair. In this case, a person must literally be saved in all possible ways.

Ways to Deal with Despair in Life

From all of the above, we can conclude that despair can and should be fought. A self-respecting person will never allow circumstances to control his life. A state of despair is a pathology that must be got rid of in order to avoid a tragic ending.

Healers of human souls have developed a whole system of dealing with an insidious disease that destroys the essence of the individual. After all, life is something worth fighting for to the end.

Among the most common ways to get rid of despair, psychologists identify the following methods of eliminating the problem:

• Positive attitude... We ourselves create our own destiny, so blaming others for what happened is a thankless task. It is necessary to activate the so-called "center of happiness" in oneself, which will help to avoid prolonged depression. You can become selfish for a short period of time in order to recover from the trauma inflicted on the psyche. Despair is an insidious thing that triggers a self-destruction mechanism. Therefore, in the fight against him, you need to pay as much attention to yourself as possible in order to return to your loved ones and relatives with a completely different person.
• Activation of the "positive chain"... In this case, the animated film "Just like that" is immediately remembered, which, in terms of its semantic load, has no restrictions in terms of the age category. A boy with a pure soul and just a good mood brought several characters from the animation video out of depression and despair. From what has been described, we can conclude that an excellent means of fighting despair is not voluptuous sobbing in a circle of their own kind, but communication with cheerful optimists.
• Full contact with family and friends... Another proven method of eliminating despair from life is scarring within the family. If the betrayal happened precisely on their part, then you can always find consolation in a conversation with trusted friends. Very rarely, a person has no one to turn to for help at all. Perhaps, simply in a depressed state, he does not notice those who are truly dear. The popular saying that “a husband loves a healthy wife and a brother loves a rich sister” is unacceptable among decent people with clear moral principles. In this case, you will have a chance to test your environment, removing unreliable hypocrites from it in the future.
• Finding an interesting hobby... Nothing helps in a depressed state more than engaging in fun activities. You should remember what you liked during childhood. A streak of despair in a person's life is a great opportunity to make up for what was once lost. If molding was to your heart, then you can try yourself in pottery. If you want to draw pictures without having a visible talent for painting, you should also not deprive yourself of the chance of rehabilitation. It is not for nothing that antidepressant coloring books and paintings with an applied outline of the future masterpiece have become very popular today. Even self-improvement in the artistic whistle will by no means be a shameful matter when it comes to saving your fate.
• Occupational therapy... Many people, after the loss of a loved one, plunge headlong into work, trying to load themselves to the maximum. This often works, because sometimes the soul hurts even more precisely in idleness. Serf Stepan from the famous film "Formula of Love" clearly formulated the state of hypochondria and despair. A simple man accurately figured out the master's problem, which lay in inaction and stupid doubts.
• Quitting bad habits or limiting them... Only naive people or convinced alcoholics believe that hops can dull recurring mental pain. The only gain with such a lifestyle is a systematic hangover, which is unlikely to add color to the life of the desperate. Those who are accustomed to “seize” grief with a cigarette instead of full-value food will also have to experience a sense of despair more than once in case of subsequent illnesses.

Attention! If all the listed methods of dealing with despair have not been successful, then a visit to a psychotherapist is recommended. You just need to find a competent and trusted specialist so as not to get on a session with a charlatan.

Traditional methods of dealing with despair

Since ancient times, people have tried different methods of eradicating mental ailments. There were no psychotherapists at that time, and not everyone could afford to be sad and sad in the struggle for survival.

The popular advice on how to deal with despair was as follows:

1. Prayer... The church has always been one of the most popular means of helping people. When a problem arose, the people recommended that they retire in a secluded place to offer prayer to God. Then it was necessary to light an icon lamp or a church candle and stand in front of the icon necessary for the ceremony. It was believed that it is best to appeal to John Chrysostom, Nicholas the Wonderworker, Jesus the Almighty and, of course, the Mother of God. The next step for our ancestors was the prayer "Our Father" and repentance for committed sins. In conclusion, it was advised to read the appeal to the very Saint, in front of whose icon the ceremony was performed.
2. Conspiracy... Superstition has always been inherent in man, so people often resorted to such things. In this case, it was recommended to take a piece of white cloth or a scarf and go with it to the church that was next to the cemetery. Having given alms to the suffering at the holy monastery, it was necessary to feed the birds with the bread they brought with them. Then candles were to be lit for those saints on whom the hope of deliverance from despair was pinned. The final action of our ancestors in the conspiracy ritual is to pass the cemetery strictly clockwise and read the corresponding spell at the exit from it. This had to be done while facing the graves, while holding a white handkerchief in his left hand. The words of the conspiracy looked something like this: “In the name of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit! Your servant has come to the threshold of the kingdom of the dead (the name given at baptism was called). He did not bring death with him, but only his black sorrow and hateful thoughts. May all this remain in the damp earth among those who will not return. Let them keep my unkind thoughts and hateful sadness. Everything I said - an iron lock, steel locks and a stone canopy. Till the end of time. Amen!". The final touch of the ritual is leaving the crumpled handkerchief in the cemetery, throwing nine coins over the shoulder with the right hand with the commentary that everything has been paid.
3. ethnoscience... If despair arose in seriously ill people, then ordinary people advised to read a prayer in front of the icon "The Tsaritsa", while invoking the Mother of God. This had to be done regularly, taking decoctions and infusions of medicinal herbs between rituals. For each disease, its own healing plant was supposed, but this prayer was preferred in case of ailment. To calm down during depression, which led to despair, it was recommended to drink infusions of knotweed (1 teaspoon for 2 glasses of water), mint (in a 1: 1 ratio) and chicory roots (20 g of raw materials per glass of boiling water).

How to deal with despair - watch the video:

Let's start with what despair is. This is shyness, lack of an exit, a solution. For example, a student knows: tomorrow is an exam, but he does not have time to prepare. Or a person gets stuck in a traffic jam on the way to the airport. Time is running out and, if a miracle does not happen, he will not be in time for the plane. Or a person has built a house, took out a mortgage from the bank, his debts are increasing, and there is nothing to pay them off.

When despair arises, we realize that there is nothing else we can do. In despair, we are always powerless. As long as we can still do something, we go to the goal, despair does not come. Despair comes when we notice that it is too late: the misfortune has already happened. It destroys what is valuable.

Two poles: despair and hope

If a flood washed away my house, if a child died, if I experienced violence, if there are constant quarrels in my relationship, if I have led a life that has led to wrong decisions (separation, abortion, alcohol ...), then how can I go on living? Life is broken, filled with misery.

A desperate person is close to suicide, because everything that is a support, a value, breaks down. Either it's already broken, or I watch it decline and disappear. It hurts when I see things that are important are being destroyed. Or I stand in the midst of the ruins of a shattered life. There is no more hope. What else could it be? There is no future, the present is ruins, an abyss. I have no opportunity to intervene and do something, make a decision. I have no choice. I come close to the wall. I am powerless.

The opposite pole of despair is hope. If I have hope, then there is life. As long as there is hope, all is not lost. Some kind of turn may occur, because the good has not yet disappeared: the house is still standing still, the relationship is still living, the child, although sick, can recover. The person hopes that the diagnosis he has been given is not the most serious one. He hopes that he will soon find a job and pay off his debts.

There is a noticeable similarity between hope and despair: they have the same structure. If I hope, I also experience something akin to impotence. “I hope” means that there is nothing more I can do. I brought the child to the clinic, I take care of him, I am with him, the doctors are doing what they can do ... And yet I can hope.

How is this possible? When I hope, I am connected to the child and his life. And I will not give up the value of this relationship. Maybe I just sit back and can't do anything else, but I keep in touch. Paradoxically, I remain active. I wish the best. I still have some trust left.

Only facts rule out the possibility. Hope is directed towards the future

Setting hope is a smart setting. In the hope, the misfortune has not yet happened, and in the fact that it has not happened, there is still no complete certainty. Something unexpected may happen, and the most reliable thing is to believe that a positive outcome is not ruled out. It is possible: the child will recover, I will pass the exam, I am not sick, I will find a job.

Only facts rule out the possibility. Hope is directed towards the future. I hold on to my desire, my intention, I hope that everything can be okay. I remain true to this value. It is important for me that the child is healthy, because I love him. And I stay in the relationship. I hold this value high in my hand.

Hope is an art. This is a spiritual art. Next to your own weakness, instead of falling into powerlessness or lethargy, you can still do something, namely, not give up what is valuable. At the same time, "to do" does not mean external actions. This is a matter of internal attitude.

Between hope and despair, there is another concept that is close to despair, namely, "surrender." When I say, "It doesn't make sense anymore," then I give up the valuable. This is close to depression. When a person gives up, he has no more hope. There is still a little support in indifference - until a person falls into the abyss of despair. In despair, however, it happens differently: I am already in the abyss.

Without hope, I lose touch with value, I lose bearing ground

Despair doesn’t mean I’ve given up. A person who is desperate is a person who is hopeful. This is someone who is still associated with values, who wants the child to get better. The hopeful remains with the possibility of a positive outcome. A desperate person has to see that the value to which he is clinging is being destroyed or has already been destroyed. The one who is desperate experiences hope dying. What is important to his life is destroyed.

Despair is pain. The Danish philosopher Seren Kierkegaard has thought a lot about despair and experienced it himself. For him, despair is a wrong attitude. This inner disorder comes from the outside, from something else. Kierkegaard expanded this and connected it with God: he who does not want to live in harmony with God, he despairs.

Psychologically, despair means “not feeling hopeful”. This meaning can be clearly seen in the Romance languages ​​(despair, désespoir, disperazione, desesperación). Without hope, I lose touch with value, I lose my carrier. It is like fear. Feeling fear, we experience the loss of the ground that supports the support. In hope, this soil is love for something valuable. Despair has a structure of fear and meaninglessness — there is no longer a context to guide me.

Books on the topic

"Reaching Out for Life ... An Existential Analysis of Depression" by Alfried Langle

Depression is the most common mental disorder. It is familiar to about 30% of adult men and women. And children don't have depression. Although they can grieve and be sad. Why is that? Because they have a "good relationship" with life itself, the experience of being is not disturbed - this is what existential psychotherapist Alfried Langle thinks.

What does powerlessness mean?

Powerlessness forms despair. The word “powerlessness” means that I cannot do anything. But this is not the same as saying “I can’t do anything,” because there are many things that I cannot do, even if I wanted to. For example, I cannot influence the weather, politics, headache. I can do something about this indirectly, but not directly. Powerlessness means "not being able to do anything, but wanting."

There are two reasons: limiting circumstances or something related to me personally. When I give up excitement, desire, powerlessness disappears. This opens up opportunities for work.

Where do we experience powerlessness? In relation to oneself. For example, I may feel that I am powerless in relation to addiction, in relation to a tumor that is growing, to insomnia, to migraine attacks. I can feel powerless in relationships with others: I cannot change the other person. But this relationship is important to me! And now they are more like a prison: I cannot change them, but I cannot even part - although I am constantly injured and devalued.

In powerlessness, fear and panic arise - I feel myself given up to life to be torn apart

I can feel powerlessness in a family in which constant quarrels occur, tension and misunderstanding are growing. I have already tried everything, I said - and nothing changes. Of course, we also experience powerlessness in large communities: at school, in the army, in a company, in relation to the state - here the feeling “I can’t do anything” often appears, we get used to it.

We experience powerlessness in relation to nature, when there are floods, earthquakes, and in relation to economic processes, changes in fashion. Powerlessness - when I am locked: in an elevator, even worse - in a burning car. Then fear and panic arise - I feel myself being torn apart by life. I am powerless against depression. I am powerless when I feel lonely, hurt, hurt, alienated. Or when my whole life seems meaningless to me. What am I supposed to do here?

Let's look again at the opposite pole - "can". What does this mean? “I can”, like powerlessness, has a double structure: on the one hand, it depends on the circumstances, and on the other hand, on my strength and my abilities. This is where the world and my own being unite. In "can" we relate to the circumstances, and therefore obstacles can arise from the outside. For example, I got stuck in traffic and could not arrive on time for a lecture.

A real can is always associated with letting go. This is the basic, fundamental "can"

But obstacles can also exist within. For example, unfortunately, I cannot speak Russian. This makes me powerless, because I would really like to know Russian. Of course, I could learn it, thereby bring myself out of a state of powerlessness. The answer to the question "can I?" depends on my strength and abilities. They provide the authority with which I can control the circumstances. If I have learned to drive a car, I can control it.

The concept of "can" has a huge existential meaning: it not only connects with the world, but also opens up the space for "being." I can move in this space.

A real can is always associated with letting go. If I can do something, then I can let it go. I can allow feelings to exist so that I can deal with them. I have to be able to take pauses, breaks. This is necessary in situations where I don’t know what to do. Letting go is a basic, fundamental can.

A desperate person cannot let go. What's the problem with powerlessness? Why is powerlessness filled with suffering?

First, powerlessness makes us passive, it paralyzes us. More precisely, it does not paralyze, but forces. We feel like something makes us do nothing. It is where I could do something that I have to do nothing. Powerlessness is compulsion, it is strength, it is power. It looks like rape. I have to let go, but I don’t want to - and that makes me a victim.

Powerlessness takes away dignity. When I am a victim, I am devoid of dignity and worth. I am watching from the side

Secondly, powerlessness takes away the basis of existence - action. In powerlessness, I can no longer create anything, be somewhere, live a relationship, realize something important. In powerlessness I no longer exist: my personality no longer develops, the meaning of my being is lost.

Third, powerlessness takes away dignity. When I am a victim, I am devoid of dignity and worth. I am watching from the side. Powerlessness is associated with despair. This combination gives despair the same texture as trauma. Severe injury, the experience of impending death deprives a person of support. He loses ground, and values ​​lose their strength. A person no longer knows what is important to him, does not see a larger-scale system of interconnections that he can trust.

Two reasons for despair and powerlessness

First, a person is too much focused on some goal that he cannot give up, leave, let go of.

Second, there is no relationship with the deep structure of existence. This means that there is no sense of the value of life, a sense of one's own depth and one's own value as a Person. There is no more meaning that defines existence.

It is important to realize that death is also a part of life. If I cannot die then I will despair again

This analysis of the causes of despair and powerlessness provides the basis for help. Instead of continuing to hold on convulsively, grabbing hold of what was value, I must say goodbye and let go. For example, in despair that the disease turned out to be fatal, all that remains is to accept it. Say, "Yes, it is." And see what I can do about it now.

If we cannot let go, we remain desperate. Subsequently, you can work to feel the deeper structures of existence again. So that I can feel the support again. It is important to realize that death is also a part of life. If I cannot die, then I will again experience despair.

What to do?

We can work with themes of despair and powerlessness through the four basic structures of existence.

1. If someone is experiencing despair, it is important to help them accept a situation that cannot be changed. Accept means "I can let this be." Such an attitude is possible only if I see the support, I understand that, in spite of everything, I can be myself.
2. When it comes to hopelessness, sadness helps. Tears of sadness can reconnect us with life. It happens that I experience despair, it seems to me that I ruined my life myself, and I cannot forgive myself for this. Then it's important to understand who I am again. To regret means to see what I have done, and at the same time to feel how much pain it hurts me.
3. If there is no way to change something, it is important to learn to live in new conditions. Ask yourself the question: what does this situation want from me? If I have cancer now, what does cancer want from me? How can I continue to live with this disease so that my life remains fulfilling? Yes, it will be a different life, but it may not be worse than the one where I was healthy. So I will find support again.
4. It is important to look for what allows you to experience inner agreement. When I’m happy with what I’m doing, a sense of fulfillment will come into my life.